8+1

Everything seems to be going totally normally. We had a scan at 6+6 and measured only one day behind with a heartbeat of 130bpm. I felt relieved and invested and have been terrified since of something happening, but I just found the heartbeat tonight with a fetal doppler! 😭 I’m so over the moon! It was 162 bpm which sounds absolutely perfect to me. Things have been different this time. My nausea has been nowhere near what it was with Max, and I’ve been feeling so peaceful and creative and ready for Halloween. Normally I love Christmas, but with Max I wasn’t interested in any holidays, but was very interested in watching MMA. I’ve got some strong Aquarius vibes so far, and I’m betting it’s another boy. We’ll do the sneakpeek clinic blood test next week and find out! I feel like I can finally just relax knowing ghis baby is doing fine. We really may get to keep this one guys. ❤️

May 2019

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I have typed blog after blog and deleted them all. My due date came and went earlier this month, just days after my cycle started, signaling that our IUI had not been successful. I felt gutted, and completely ready to stop. We agreed to try one last IUI before moving to IVF. I was beyond ready to do IVF, but we have no insurance coverage for infertility and would have to save for a little while, so decided to try just one more IUI, then take a break. I knew it wouldn’t work. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to put myself through that again. But I did.

 

And it worked. Just like with Max, on the last cycle we would do, it worked. Some boring stats, which are mainly for my own records— I first tested positive 11dpo (12dpiui). My beta hcg at 12dpo was 23, progesterone was 17. My RE increased my progesterone dosage from 200mg to 400mg, and ordered a repeat beta hcg for 14dpo (today). I had my bloodwork done today and should get the results tomorrow. It may be premature, but damnit I need to put it out into the universe that I am pregnant today. Even if I’m not in two days, or in a week. Today, I am pregnant. And more nauseous than I have ever been at 4 weeks in any of my previous pregnancies. I’ve probably spent well over $100 on pregnancy tests since Monday, and my line progression appears to look pretty good. I will know more tomorrow, but today I’m trying to accept the moment I’m in, and allow myself to feel happy and excited about this, even though I know it’s not guaranteed. I want this child so damn badly, and I hope it sticks around.

Not Okay

It feels good to put that in words after weeks of saying I’m fine. I’m not. I’m not okay. Things suck, worse than I thought they would. I thought that since I wasn’t as far along, it wouldn’t be so bad. Since we hadn’t told anyone, we could move on quickly. I was wrong. It’s different, but it’s not easy. I hate my body. God, that feels good to write, too. I really, really hate my body right now. I’m disgusted by it. I hate getting dressed every morning. I hate the 5 pounds I gained in the week following my miscarriage. I hate the way it so quickly moved on from this pregnancy, before I had time to mentally process what happened. I’m so frustrated with my body for the way it refuses to be on board with baby making. It’s broken. I’m broken. And I hate it. Max is getting his molars in, I think. This means nonstop crying and whining. I can’t focus on anything other than his cries. I don’t have time or space to process this miscarriage or formulate a plan for our future. There’s no room to grieve. I hate that I don’t have time to move through this. I also hate that it’s making me a shitty mom. I’m distracted. I’m not playful. I’m distant. I’m doing my best, but right now my best is surviving. When I was pregnant, my husband called me Super Woman. Now I’m just lasting through each day. There’s no one here for me to talk to. No one I can melt in front of. I don’t want to inconvenience anyone. I hate feeling like an inconvenience. I’m so, so sad. I hate being depressed. I wanted to be done with this. I wanted to heal whatever emotional trauma I was carrying around. But, here I am. Surviving. Hating my body. Not doing okay. Again.

No heartbeat

Unfortunately there was no heartbeat at the scan today, and I’ve started spotting. I’m feeling an odd sense of relief. Obviously I’m sad to lose this pregnancy, but it’s nice to be out of limbo. I’m just waiting for things to pick up now, and hoping it goes quickly. My biggest emotion right now is anger. It’s so much work to conceive, and then we miscarry anyway. My doctors haven’t been incredibly helpful, either. They say because I’m “young and healthy,” there’s no rush to get me pregnant. And I get it. I have plenty of time left. But I don’t want to spend years doing the same femara bullshit over and over again, when we could move on to something more advanced. It’s incredibly taxing emotionally, mentally, and physically. I feel like I’m less of a mother to Max while going through this. My depression this past summer neared the worst it has been. I’m just exhausted with all of this, and I’m ready to move on or find a physician who genuinely cares and will aggressively try to help. I’m incredibly overwhelmed by the thought of starting over again, but I realize that’s truly the only option I have.

Again?

We had our follow up scan today (7w0d), which showed a fetal pole measuring 6w0d and a slow heartbeat of 82bpm. I’m not 100% on my dates, so there’s a small chance things could maybe be normal still, but it’s not looking very likely. We’ll check again in a week.

 

I’m okay. Really, I am. But it truly sucks to be here again. I feel very angry right now, and cheated, and exhausted. I don’t want to wait another week in limbo. I just want to be okay if things are okay, and if they aren’t then I want to go ahead and get it over with. I don’t understand why it takes so much effort for us to get pregnant, and then why staying pregnant is just as tough. It’s not fair. I’m so, so full of anger right now.

6 weeks

Our first scan went fine. There’s a small fetal pole in there that looks like a grain of rice. I’m measuring a few days behind, which I assumed going into it. Max was 3 days behind throughout the first trimester. Maybe I just make small babies. We couldn’t see a heartbeat, but they said it’s no jig deal and that they normally don’t until the baby measures a little bigger. So, I go back this next Thursday for a follow up exam to hopefully see a heartbeat.

 

In general, I really haven’t been as worried this time. I think I do still worry more than the average person, and I’m trying not to get overly attached to the idea of this baby. But it hasn’t been nearly as terrifying as it was with Max. I hope that everything will be okay. I really so badly hope I get to keep this baby. But I’m taking each day as it comes. So, today I’m just thankful to be pregnant.

 

My symptoms this time have been very different than any of my previous pregnancies. I have occasional nausea and plenty of food aversions, but I haven’t vomited yet (although I came close twice). What is the similar, is that I’ve been insanely weepy and my acne is out-of-this-world awful. Actually, my acne has never been this bad— not even through puberty. I have been waiting for the extreme vomiting to hit, but honestly I won’t mind if it doesn’t, as long as we see a heartbeat and everything looks good.

Back Again

It’s been a very long time since I’ve posted here. The truth is, I dealt with some gnarly postpartum depression (that I couldn’t even identify as postpartum depression at the time, because I was so deep into it). I abandoned this blog, I abandoned the moms groups I was part of- all of which amplified my PP greatly. I felt really alone and isolated. I think a big part of it was that we have no family nearby to help, so there was never a moment where we got a break or were able to step outside of the bubble we’d created for ourselves. We just went on our first post-baby date last month, and Max is almost 2! I started feeling more like myself around his first birthday, when we made some friends and started having more play dates, but some days (okay, most days) are still pretty hard. Still, it’s the coolest thing I’ve been able to do, and I consider myself incredibly lucky.

I got my cycle back last June, and we immediately started trying for another baby. At the time, we liked the idea but weren’t commited to it. It was very casual. We started taking it more seriously in October and added back in temping and opks. Then in December I met with a new physician and FINALLY after all this time received a diagnosis- PCOS. It was so so amazing having that finally. We started femara, metformin, and progesterone in March. I was actually really hopeful that it would work. We hadn’t tried metformin before, so maybe that was the missing piece. In July, my femara dose was raised to 7.5mg and I had three follicles. Good response, but nothing. Last month, I had 10- yes, 10!- mature follicles. I was SO SURE it would work, but day after day I tested negative. The day my period was due I was feeling crampy and tested negative again. I decided to stop testing and wait to start bleeding.

 

But I never did! Two days later I was tired of waiting and took one last test- positive! Three more that same day were positive. My beta the next day (a Friday) was 36, which is pretty low but also maybe just early? It was such a long weekend waiting for my next draw. The following Tuesday my beta was 191- doubling time of just under 40 hours. So, things are looking normal so far, despite a low start. My first ultrasound is in two days. I should be 6w0d then, but expect to measure a few days behind since my levels seem low, and also because Max measured 3 days behind until 12 weeks. I’m nervous, but also hesitantly excited. It doesn’t exactly feel real yet, but I also understand it’s either going to happen or it’s not, and there’s nothing I can do about it. So I’m trying to just enjoy each day as it comes and not worry about what will happen next.

My symptoms so far haven’t been too intense. Pretty much the same as with Max- headaches, acne, nausea. It’s still a little early for intense morning sickness, but I expect it to start within the next 7-10 days. I’ll be back to update either way after my scan. Fingers crossed everything looks healthy.